A guide to modern art...

A year ago, Brian Sewell advised me not to go to the Frieze Art Fair, with the memorable words, "It will only encourage them, Jeffrey." I disobeyed his good advice on Sunday, as a friend of mine visiting from the US was very keen to attend. I still don't get it, despite the fact that Richard and Ruthie Rogers told me to keep trying because in time I would. They clearly know something I don't. One of my golden rules when attending any exhibition, whether it be in a great museum, a famous art gallery or a modern collection, is, if they were to offer me any piece, which one would I take away? If there hadn't been a small Calder tucked away in the corner of one of the stands - which looked as if it was in the wrong show - the answer on this occasion, would be nothing. I would like to share with you the details of one particular piece. On one of the stands was a Tracey Emin exhibit, a neon sign which read, I really do love you, which you could purchase for £65,000. I wish I could find some way of getting people to pay £65,000 for every sentence I write. This is the bit that's meant to shock you - underneath the sign was a message which invited you to fill in a short questionnaire - name, age, hobbies, things that mattered to you - and having filled it in, you could then pop it in a box along with a cheque for £10,000, and Ms Emin would come up with a personal sentence just for you. If you liked that sentence, you would then be offered the opportunity to have it made up into a neon sign for £65,000. I declined this kind offer. George Bernard Shaw once said that horse-racing was a plot between the upper class and the lower class to fleece the middle class. I consider the Frieze to be a plot among very clever dealers to fleece the nouveau riche, and I'll have none of it.