Welcome to the 21st Century

In my efforts to get with it, I've joined the download revolution. So as of this week, you can download to your PC or PDA my most recent novel, False Impression, as an e-book - just follow the link on the home page of my website.

The Dame Edna Treatment

Last night I went through the humiliation of appearing on the Dame Edna Treatment, which will be shown as a special edition to celebrate the Dame's 50th year in the profession - whatever that profession is. Of course all her guests were humilated, what's new, and one in particular, an American, never got on Dame Edna's wavelength and in the end appeared as a startled rabbit caught in her headlights. Dame Edna charged on with her usual wit and exuberance, and once the show has been edited, all will be well.

Went home exhausted, as one always does having been shredded by the Dame. But how much more tired Barry Humphries must have been because he may not be in the headlights, but he is the headlights and has to shine all the time. Not easy.

First review in the USA

Cat O'Nine Tales has just been published in the USA, and I'm delighted to say has received a starred review in Publisher's Weekly: "Bestseller Archer put his time in prison to fine literary use, as evidenced by the 12 stellar entries in his fifth story collection.... The economy and precision of Archer's prose never fails to delight. The criminal doesn't always get away with his crime and justice doesn't always prevail, but the reader wins with each and every story."

New look blog

You may have noticed my new-look blog. Hope you like it.

Saturday Auction

Mary and I went to dinner at St John's College, Cambridge on Saturday evening, where I conducted the auction on behalf of the Cambridge Folk Museum and Addenbrooke's Hospital. I doubt if there is a more beautiful dining hall at any college, but I doubt if there's a worse venue for conducting an auction; five long tables stretching down the length of the room as far as the eye could see, with the person sitting at the far end probably 60 yards away. Thanks to a warm and generous crowd we managed to raise £30,500 for these two worthwhile causes.

Saturday Sports

All cricket lovers will have wanted Brian Charles Lara to score a century in front of his home crowd. It was not to be. He managed to get himself run out after a fairly stupid call by Samuels who the crowd had not come to see. We won the match with a brilliant century by Pietersen, but I do wish, like Boycott whenever he scored a century, he would take his guard, Hip Hip ugh! and start again. Nevertheless, we won the match with a ball to spare.

The weekend starts here

Mary and I went to see Martha, Josie and the Chinese Elvis at the Cambridge Arts Theatre on Friday evening. A wonderful comic evening, with Maureen Lipman playing a cleaner who has been avoiding men all her life and then ... She and Lesley Dunlop gave wonderful performances and were backed up by a strong cast. If it comes to London you'll have a fun evening, though I'm told it's getting more and more difficult to put shows on in the West End, and producers are currently fearful of a long hot summer which will spell empty theatres.

Cricket woes

I spent a pathetic, wasted, tragic afternoon watching the England cricket team humiliated by the South Africans. I should have worked out after we'd scored three runs in the first three overs that it wasn't going to be a glorious day for England, but I stuck it out, always believing that the next man in was capable of scoring a century. Wrong again Archer. That is to say unless he was wearing green pyjamas instead of blue ones. Despite this, I have great sympathy with Michael Vaughan, whose record as captain can be compared favourably with most of the past holders of that office. This morning's press have come out universally demanding his and Fletcher's sacking, in articles written mostly by people who have either never played the game with any distinction or if they did, their record isn't any better than our current captain and manager. And worse, they blast away without telling us who the obvious replacements are. The only group who came out with flying colours were the Barmy Army who continue their unstinting support, jovial good humour and love of the game - whatever the outcome. God bless 'em.

A comedy of style and wit

Went to the National Theatre last night to see The Man of Mode, a 17th century restoration comedy by George Etherege, which is up-dated most convincingly. The fops all give the impression of being Chinawhite junkies and the aspirational Asian family could well be junk-bond dealers. Rory Kinnear steals the show, but to be fair to the excellent Tom Hardy who plays the lead, Dorimant, the part of Sir Fopling Flutter is the sort of role any actor would die for. It brought back happy memories of Donald Sinden's brilliant performances in The Relapse and London Assurance, and frankkly although this was good, Sir Donald would be hard if not impossible, to surpass.

Tried the theatre's Mezzanine restaurant afterwards which used to be so bad that one trouped off up the road to the local fish and chip shop (Livebait), but is now greatly improved and well worth a visit - efficient, fast servie, good food and pleasant surroundings. The same cannot be said for the Ashcroft Room which was quite pathetic and unfriendly. It's meant to be for those people who have supported the theatre over many years, but don't bother to pay any extra to have that privilege - it isn't worth it.

Pledging support

Had a visit yesterday from Kirstin Irvine, Head of Development of the Royal Shakespeare Company to show me the detailed plans for the re-building of the theatre at Stratford-upon-Avon, for which they are hoping to raise a hundred million pounds. They have no plans to remove the edifice (which I have for a long time thought to be a ghastly object) because it's grade II listed. However they are completely refurbishing the inside, with a thousand-seat theatre much more in the round and with far better sight-lines. The only thing I didn't like was the tall viewing tower which will be built by the side of the theatre which Kirstin assured me had overwhelming public support. I seem to be in the minority on this one. They hope to re-open the theatre in 2010 - don't hold your breath, think about Wembley - however I am much looking forward to seeing what they choose for the first production - any suggestions? Plus cast?

Buried treasure

My son Will gave me an excellent book for my birthday - Melvyn Bragg's 12 Books That Changed The World. I was horrified to read in the Shakespeare chapter, that the bard did not commit all his works to publication, as that was not the tradition of the day, and it is therefore possible that there are several unpublished Shakespeare plays yet to be discovered. What a frightening thought. Could there be a masterpiece of the calibre of Hamlet or Romeo and Juliet hidden under one of London's tower blocks? Perhaps this will give impetus to the demands of those people who consider some of London's tower blocks to be eyesores so that we can demolish them in search of a missing masterpiece.

Winning team

Saturday afternoon was spent watching my local rugby team, Cambridge City play top of the table Esher, who as champions are destined for division one next year. In a thoroughly exciting match, Cambridge won 40-37, but it would fair to point out that Esher had the opportunity to draw level with 2 minutes to go when awarded a penalty in front of the posts. They decided instead to kick for the corner with the hope of gaining 5 points and winning the match. The next 120 seconds were fairly fraught, and even I joined in the clamour demanding that the referee should blow the final whistle - and he did so following a knock-on when Esher were but a few feet from the try line. Cambridge have enjoyed a good start in Division 2 and look as if they'll end the season in the middle of the table for which they deserve great praise.

If music be the food of love, play on...

Travelled up to Cambridge on Friday afternoon. Mary and I went to the Cambridge Arts Theatre to see an excellent presentation of Shakespeare's Twelfth Night by the all male theatre group, Propeller, directed by Edward Hall - son of Sir Peter. Having an all male cast is always an interesting idea, remembering that's how Shakespeare had to cope with the problem, especially when you think of Viola and Sebastian both being men rather than its modern interpretation of Viola being a woman becoming a man. I thought Malvolio was outstanding, and instead of yellow stockings and cross-garters, womens tights with criss-crossing had the audience in fits of laughter. I've seen this play a dozen times in the past 30 years, and I thought Tony Bell as Feste was among the finest performances I have seen of that demanding part. If Mr Hall and his merry troupe appear in a theatre near you - book a ticket.

A President's Words

After my interview on the James Whale show on TalkSport, I've been asked several times about the paragraph I read out from a speech by President Theodore Roosevelt - here it is:

It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust, and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again: because there is not effort without error and shortcomings: but who does actually strive to do the deed: who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

A busy evening

Last night I attended the launch of Jacqueline Gold's book, A Woman's Courage, in a private room at The Ivy. There was an array of interesting guests including John Madejski - who once again asked me if I wanted to buy Reading Football Club, Dominic McVeigh, who had just returned from closing a massive deal in Turkey, and Jacqui's father David (Chairman of Birmingham City FC) who assured me that Birmingham will be in the Premiership next year. John Madejski raised an eyebrow.

I had to leave the party early as I was conducting an auction on behalf of Mark Foster at the Royal Lancaster Hotel. There was an entertaining Q&A session conducted by Beverley Turner who addressed the audiences' queries to Steve Backley OBE (missed an Olympic gold by inches) , Colin Jackson MBE (missed an Olympic gold by inches) and James Cracknell OBE (won several gold medals by yards). This was followed by an interview with the guest of honour, Mark Foster, conducted with consumate skill by John Inverdale. It does surprise me that a man who has been 8 times world record holder, 10 times European champion, 2 times Commonwealth champion, 3 times Olympic finalist and 12 times World Championship finalist, has never been honoured - what's that all about? The auction raised £73,000, and the most popular item was the opportunity to play a doubles match at Wimbledon with Martina Navratilova which raised £11,000. I must congratulate the Royal Lancaster Hotel on supplying a meal for 200 that didn't resemble a school dinner, in fact a good evening all round.

Dames, dames, dames

After Dame Edna's outrageous suggestion that I had been selected from millions to write her biography and after several enquiries as to the veracity of this claim, she has found it necessary to issue a public statement:

“It's all true possums. It is a long-term project and negotiations are still on-going. All profits will be shared between Friends of the Prostate and Prisoners Aid.”

All I can say is watch this space - and Dame Edna's programme, and all will be revealed.

COMPULSORY CREDIT: Starstock/Photoshot Photo UHY 014431/C-09 03.03.1998 Photographer:© uppa.co.uk

There ain't nothing like a Dame

Just when things were getting back to normal, I had a call from Dame Edna Everage. The Dame has asked me to be her official biographer, in what she promises will be the most sensational book of the year. She assures me it will sell more copies than I have ever sold before, and is even willing to pay me 5% of the royalties - not to mention inviting me to appear on her new ITV show, The Dame Edna Treatment. Before making my final decision, I've decided to place the matter in the hands of my agent - mind you, he's just as terrified of her as I am.

Barry Humphries's friendship has never wavered over the years. His visit to North Sea Camp open prison is one that neither the officers nor the inmates will ever forget.

Around the world in 24 hours

I know the earth is round because over the weekend I had to appear on several TV and radio shows at the strangest hours. First was an interview with a radio show in Texas in the early afternoon, which was actually for their morning programme. I was then linked to the East coast of the US for a lunch-time phone in, quickly followed by a late afternoon radio show in South Africa. Later that evening, I joined James Whale on TalkSport, but not before conducting a radio interview in the studio next door which was broadcast directly to Sydney, Australia, on their breakfast show. I dashed down to Cambridge for the Easter weekend, but had to return late on Sunday to appear on Kerri-Anne's Morning show on Channel 9 Australia, midnight our time, breakfast Easter Monday for them. Cricket is not the only thing they're ahead of us in.

The two weeks after a book is published is always mad, but this one seems to have been particularly crazy. The irony is that the momentum suddenly dies and you're yesterday's news - or the day before yesterday if it's Australia.

Last Night at Stratford

Mary and I drove to Stratford-upon-Avon on Saturday to see the final night of Coriolanus and the closing of the Royal Shakespeare Company theatre - fear not, they're rebuilding another one (let's hope it doesn't take as long as Wembley Stadium). It was a very special occasion for me, as the first play I ever saw at Stratford was Coriolanus with Laurence Olivier playing the lead, so there was something of a dignified symmetry in seeing the same play when they closed the theatre. William Houston was outstanding as Coriolanus, though I confess I thought he was better as Sejanus which Mary and I saw last year. But there were two performances that stood out for me and will long remain in my memory - Timothy West's measured portrayal of Menenius reminds us that Mr West is one of our great actors, and the performance of Janet Suzman as Volumnia was nothing less than brilliant. The scene where Coriolanus is visited by his mother, wife and son, was one of the most outstanding pieces of direction I have seen in 40 years. I've watched Gregory Doran's work over many years, and among my favourites is Cyrano de Berjerac, Macbeth and Much Ado About Nothing, and have reached that stage that whenever I see his name on a poster, I ring the box office and book seats immediately.