Wishes and Quizzes

Saturday 25 November. Mary and I had a family lunch at Lucio's , after which they all went off to the Coliseum for the matinee of the English National Opera's new production of The Gondoliers. I returned to the flat, still feeling a little jet-lagged, to watch England play South Africa, but couldn't work the new TV. It seems to require three remote controls. I ring my son who's already on his way to Paris, and he kindly takes me through the process - which he claims a six year-old could manage. I'm sure he's right.

In the evening, I attend the Make-A-Wish Ball, for which I've been auctioneer for the past ten years, with, I think, only two absences. Make-A-Wish is a wonderful charity that grants wishes for children and young people with life-threatening illnesses. These wishes might be a once in a lifetime trip to Disneyland, leading the Manchester United team on to the pitch, or for a little girl who simply wants to be a princess for a day. The auction raised £253,000 which included £78,000 to spend a weekend with Jenson Button at the Silverstone Grand Prix.

I got home about 2.00am, and slept until 10.00am the next day, when Mary and I travelled up to join a friend for lunch in Essex. From there we went on to Cambridge, where I was quizmaster at the Cambridge University Law Society's annual Wintercomfort Quiz held at Fitzwilliam College. The winning team was Slaughter & May; I won't tell you which team came bottom, but they were all given wooden spoons.

Had to travel back to London late that night, arriving just after midnight, because I'm starting a secret project on Monday - more of which later.

Ashes to Ashes

Thursday 23 November. I woke early full of anticipation - the opening day of The Ashes.

Brisbane is teeming with visitors, many of them from England, and when my driver picked me up at 9.00am (despite the fact that the match didn't begin until 10.00am, and the ground was a mere 3 miles away), this was highlighted by the huge number of signs outside the bars welcoming the Barmy Army. The traffic was heavy, and the pavements heaving, and a particularly attractive girl overtook the car three times - and she was walking.

I arrived at the Members' entrance at 9.35, to be met by the Chief Executive of Brisbane Cricket Club, who kindly accompanied me to a private corporate box. The Gabba holds 42,000 fans, and indeed there were already 42,000 eagerly awaiting the first ball. Whenever I go to Lords or The Oval for a Test Match, it's usually about half full at the start, and an hour later, maybe three quarters full. As I entered the box, I learnt that Australia had won the toss, and, surprise surprise, would bat. And bat they did. All day. When Harmison was throwing the ball, 42,000 people were on the edge of their seats, and the Barmy Army were in top form. Unfortunately the Australians batted their way to 346 runs and only 4 wickets down. I was teased unmercifully by the Australians including Peter Costello, their Federal Treasurer (Chancellor of the Exchequer), and Allan Border, that great captain and batsman.

I returned to the hotel dejected after the match, only to be cheered up by an excellent performance of Pirates of Penzance by Opera Australia - Australia's national opera company. The Pirate King was played brilliantly by David Campbell, parodying Johnny Depp's performance as Captain Jack. It was Gilbert and Sullivan at their best.

Friday 24 November. The next morning, I returned to The Gabba to watch the Australians bat, until I could bear it no longer, whereupon I fled to the airport and began the 22 hour journey home. I stayed awake on the first leg to Singapore, watching bad movies and reading Mao's Last Dancer by Li Cunxin (highly recommended). Two more hours in Singapore's duty free, before returning to the plane. I was alseep within minutes of the plane reaching cruising height, and didn't wake for seven and a half hours. When I arrived home on Saturday morning at 5.30am, I discovered that Ponting had scored 196 runs, and England were 147 for 5.

I want to tell you a story...

Wednesday 22 November. Early start again to drive down to the Gold Coast - parts of which are a combination of Brighton, Blackpool and Bournemouth, and which is home to a large number of ex-pats who have decided to spend their retirement in the warmth of Queensland.

My first interview is with Trevor Jackson on Radio ABC Coast FM, and I am met at the station entrance by two young employees who have recently married. I am always touched when someone brings the entire set of books for me to sign, but I was even more surprised to find that they were taking their honeymoon in Brisbane so they could attend the first Test. The sheer love of cricket in this country is probably unequalled anywhere in the world.

From there, on to another literary lunch, hosted by Angus & Robertson, and MC'd by Michael Jacobson, a distinguished author, journalist and, I found out over lunch, the producer of the show Dirty Dancing, which is having such success in the West End. Also at the table, one of those octogenarians who has retired to the Gold Coast - Max Bygraves. He may be an old man, but he still has tremendous verve and spirit.

On returning to Brisbane from the Gold Coast I called in at Philip Bacon's new gallery (2 Arthur Street, Fortitude Valley) in order to see the Arthur Boyd. The Boyd was good, but I didn't feel I wanted to part with that sort of money for this particular picture. However, the new gallery is among the finest commercial galleries I have seen anywhere in the world, including New York, London and Paris. I recommend a visit from anyone who finds themselves in Brisbane.

In the evening, I attended a performance of - hold your breath - Menopause The Musical. This show has been playing to packed houses in the suburbs of Australia and America for the past year, and I was curious to see if it is something worth bringing to the West End. The Twelfth Night Theatre holds around 400, and I would estimate that the audience was 95% women between the age of 35-60. I couldn't get to grips with the show, but the audience adored it, and the four performers who sing many well-known songs whose lyrics have been changed, had the audience in fits of giggles. I'm not sure how well it would work in London, but then I was convinced the Vagina Monolgues wouldn't be a hit, so what do I know.

Captains and Prime Ministers

Sunday 19 November. Flew to Brisbane - four and a half hours; more bad movies, another time change. Had dinner with Philip Bacon one of my oldest friends who owns the Philip Bacon Galleries and advises me on my art collection, particularly the Australian artists Glover, Bunny, Boyd and Nolan. He had a large Arthur Boyd he wanted me to look at, but because of my itinerary, I won't be able to see it untill Wednesday.

Monday 20 November. Woke in time to read the morning papers and have breakfast in my room. I have never seen so much cricket coverage in any British newspapers as in the broadsheets here; they devote five or six pages to the upcoming match on Thursday. Four radio shows to do this morning, and straight after lunch an appearance on the Paul Holmes show for Newstalk ZB - Paul is the Jeremy Paxman of New Zealand. The interview lasted for an hour, and because no other New Zealand press have yet interviewed me, it was more about prison than the book. When I left the studio, I bumped into four former England captains - Botham, Gower, Hussain and Atherton - all checking into the hotel. Had a long chat with Ian, who, despite the loss of Trescothick, is still convinced we can win the Ashes. I also remain optimistic. A nice way to end the day.

Tuesday 21 November. Signed stock at Macmillan's office this morning, followed by an official signing session at Angus & Robertson. The Australians always turn out in great numbers at these events, and I thought I was past being surprised by anything. However, one lady asked me to sign her book which I duly did, and then she fainted. Jeannine (my estimable publicity lady) and Rose (who runs the store), took the lady off and revived her. I was not allowed to see her again. The next person in the queue was a Japanese lady who looked very distressed, and it was some minutes before normality returned.

Off to a Dymocks literary lunch where I was delighted to find that the average age was about 30, rather than the usual 50. Had a fun lunch with a nice group of people, in particular Frances Whiting, a journalist, who reminded me that when she last interviewed me for over an hour, recording every word, she arrived home to find the tape-recorder hadn't been switched on.

Had dinner that evening at Philip Bacon's home - he had the usual dazzling array of guests: a high court judge, a cabinet minister, a political lawyer, a leading journalist and one of Australia's most distinguished artists. The company was sparkling and witty. The general consensus was that John Howard will win yet another election, because Kim Beasley is not a convincing leader of the opposition.

John Howard is a remarkable man. I first met him almost twenty years ago when he had just been sacked as leader of the opposition. The Liberals (conservatives) then chose another leader who also managed to lose the next election, so they somewhat reluctantly elected John Howard back as their leader. He was repeatedly told that he was a stop-gap until they found someone who could beat the Labour party. If John manages to win the next election (his fifth), he will become the longest serving Australian Prime Minister since Sir Robert Menzies, the great war-time leader.

Cross Country

Thursday 16 November. Early call this morning before doing three radio interviews in quick succession, followed by another signing at Dymocks. After lunch I appeared on the public affairs programme, Today Tonight, with Leigh McCluskey, then dashed to the airport for a Newslink booksigning and photo op, before my flight to Perth.

After a four hour flight, and another time change, I have time for a quick shower and change before being taken to the Hyatt to speak at a charity literary dinner for the Telethon Institute for Child Health Research. After my speech and a Q&A session, I auctioned off several items for the charity.

Friday 17 November. Began the day by appearing on Nathan and Nat's show for Radio Nova 93.7. Nathan (male) and Nat (female) are both avid readers, and we had a lively discussion. This was followed by Conversation Hour with Geoff Hutchinson, then a signing at Borders - the other major book company in Australia. Another two radio interviews and another two signings ended the afternoon.

In a break from my itinerary, I attended a lecture by former Vice President Al Gore, who is in town to talk about his new book An Inconvenient Truth: The Crisis of Global Warming. The organisers kindly supplied me with two tickets so that my estimable publicity lady Jeannine and I could go and listen to him. 1,300 people were in attendance, and he gave a riveting speech, which frankly should be compulsory reading for every politician in every country in the world.

I had always considered him a rather grey, uncharismatic man, but whilst speaking on his favourite subject, he is passionate, committed and convincing. I only wish Mary could have been with me because she's spent her professional life studying the subject of alternative energy.

Saturday 18 November. The sun was shining for my book signing at Collins this morning, and they set up my table outside on the pavement. I'm signing away, when I'm attacked by an elderly woman. Much laughter from the waiting queue and passers-by, as Dame Edna Everage attempts to get to the front of the queue barging everyone aside. Barry and I take a break for a few minutes, and I'm delighted to learn that his new show has just opened in Perth. Barry is an old friend, and the last time he caused such a commotion was when he turned up at North Sea Camp open prison - thankfully on that occasion as Barry Humphries, not as Dame Edna.

Spent the evening at the theatre watching Barry's new show. I wisely opted for row H - I can never understand why anyone buys seats in the first three rows only to be spat upon and picked on by Sir Les Patterson, the culture minister. Although he did claim that his new book was selling far better than that unknown author, Jeffrey Archer. We had dinner after the show and talked about art and books. Barry was clearly tired after a matinee and an evening performance, but is still better company than many men I know.

Quite a contrast, from Al Gore to Barry Humphries - but they have one thing in common, they are both extremely clever men.

If it's Wednesday, it must be Melbourne

Wednesday 15 November. This morning I appeared live on 9am with David and Kim, who were both incensed by my suggestion that we would retain the Ashes, and kept me on air for an extra 6 minutes. I then had an interview back at my hotel with Bob Hart for The Herald Sun. Bob is one of those old-fashioned journalists who doesn't get up each morning looking for something unpleasant to say.

Two radio interviews quickly followed - Radio 774 and ABC News Radio, then three book signings - at Angus & Robertson, Book City and Newslink. One of the shops I'm pleased to say, ran out of copies of Cat O'Nine Tales.

Another dash to the airport for my flight to Adelaide (home of Sir Donald Bradman) , for the Mary Martin Bookshop cocktail party at the Adelaide Club (nearest thing they've got to Brooks or Whites). South Australia is the one state that claims never to have accepted convicts. They seem to have kindly made an exception for me. The room was so packed that it was hard to get to the lectern, but once there, I was greeted with an unusual sight in Australia - all the men in suits and ties. I found myself relaxing during the speech, and thought the questions afterwards were the best I've received after any speech I've made in the last three years. Two of the club committee members took me to dinner, and I was back in my hotel by 11pm.

Tuesday

Began the day on Mornings with Kerri-Anne (her show is similar to Lorraine Kelly's). Kerri-Anne was very flattering about Cat O'Nine Tales, but she also had a go at the England cricket team. At the end of the show, she presented me with a miniature cricket bat - 6" by 2" - I told her it was big enough to deal with McGrath and Lee.

Followed that with an interview on Radio Macquarie, and was then interviewed for The Sunday Mail, Brisbane, by Frances Whiting, Queensland's best-known columnist. Just had time to do another signing at Dymocks, which I never quite completed because I had to go to Newslink's store where a queue of just over 200 were waiting for me. No time for lunch either, so grabbed a dreadful pizza at the airport before getting a flight to Melbourne.

On arrival, I went straight to a literary dinner hosted by Dymocks and The Leader Newspaper Group at the Leondra. This is beginning to feel like a general election campaign.

Finally got to bed around midnight - this time I did sleep.

Opening Play

Saturday 25 November, 05.30am - just touched down at Heathrow having completed a two-week book tour in Australia. So here's how it all worked out.

Friday 10 November. I passed the time on the 12 hour Qantas flight to Singapore by following my usual writing routine (2 hours on, 2 hours off) on a new project I'm working on, and watched two awful films which I don't believe even made general release. Had a couple of hours in Singpaore airport - the shopping is superb, the food appalling - then slept on the second leg through to Sydney, though I still felt jet-lagged when I arrived at 5.00pm.

Sunday 12 November. I spent the day at Sydney Cricket Ground as the guest of Jamie Barkley, the CEO. I sat in the Member's Box and watched England play NSW. Lee and McGrath didn't appear to bother Flintoff or Pietersen - surely this augures well for next week's first Test. The Barmy Army were in full chorus, and appear to be much loved by the Australians.

Had dinner in the evening with Alan Jones, the distinguished journalist and commentator. Alan is best remembered by the English for the fact that he was coach of the Australian rugby football team in the 1970s, and they were the first Australian side to beat England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.

Monday 13 November. Up at 6am to appear on the Today Show, Australia's longest-running breakfast news programme. The presenters, Jessica Rowe and Karl Stefanovic seem more interested in talking about the Ashes than Cat o'Nine Tales, although unlike the British, they do hold the book up every few seconds. I told them it would be a case of the Barmy Army versus Dad's Army. From there I went on to Radio 2gb to do the Alan Jones show - he's one of the toughest interviewers in Australia because he does his research so thoroughly. But again, because of the Ashes he kept me on for 30 minutes. They've clearly found someone from England they can beat up.

My next stop was a press interview with Murray Waldren for The Australian, before going on to the Shangri-La hotel to speak to some 500 people at a literary lunch hosted by Dymocks (a sort of Australian WHSmith) and The Sydney Morning Herald. I spoke for thirty minutes and answered questions for another twenty. Far fewer questions on prison this time, and far more wanting to know when Blair is going, whether Brown will take his place and what I think of Cameron. I then signed books for an hour, before going on to Radio 2CC broadcasting to Canberra, and then to a press interview with The West Australian.

Back to the hotel, and just time to shower and change, before heading out to do a charity auction at The Westin - a magnificent conversion from Sydney's old post office into a modern hotel. Freddie Flintoff had invited me to conduct an auction on behalf of The Shane Warne Foundation, Kirsty's Appeal, the Lord's Taverners, Leukaemia Research and The Chase Ben Hollioake Fund. Ashes tickets with a face value of $50 were selling for about $1000, and the final figure raised was $140,000.

When I do an auction, I ask for only two things - a parking space and to be allowed to sit next to someone interesting. My publishers supplied a car to take me to the function, and I was put on the table with the England team, seated between Paul Collingwood and Monty Panesar. Monty is very shy, and genuinely fun to be with. Paul told me that two people would be fighting for the last three places in the team, and the selectors would have to choose between himself, Bell and Cook. I suggested that after Trescothick's recent run, surely it was three names out of four. But he didn't agree, and thought that Marcus's place as the opening batsman was secure (Marcus flew back to London the next day with stress related problems).

Like a schoolboy, I shook hands with Neil Harvey, Bobby Simpson and Richie Benaud - life doesn't get any better than that.

This week's news

Have just heard that False Impression is No. 7 on the Sunday Times Bestseller List. Naturally nervous about where it will be next Sunday after a full week's sales.

Yesterday morning I did a telephone interview with Michael Jacobson of the Gold Coast Bulletin, and we discussed a literary dinner I'll be doing in Brisbane next week. He's a distinguished author, who was recently shortlisted for the prestigious IMPAC Award. It was a warm and friendly interview, lacking any of the envy so often associated with literary authors who, although they have critical success, do not necessarily sell a lot of books.

I conducted an auction last night in the House of Lords for the charity SeeAbility. The host was supposed to be Seb Coe, but he had to fly to Africa at the last minute, to bring them up to date on London's progress on 2012, so he appeared via a TV screen, and I ended up as host and auctioneer. Incidentally, Seb told me that during the final year they were putting together the bid for 2012, he spent only four days at home; a staggering piece of dedication which was rightly rewarded. The auction raised £50,000, following a rousing speech by Sir Steve Redgrave and moving comments by John Spence who has recently gone blind having had a brilliant banking career.

I'm off to Australia this morning. On Monday I'll be conducting an auction for Andrew Flintoff and Shane Warne at the Westin Hotel in Sydney, where every seat has sold out, and they have a fantastic list of auction items including a box for every day of the Sydney Test. Hopefully we'll raise a vast sum for the four charities they've nominated.

I won't be talking to you for a fortnight, but will report back on November 27th, having seen the first two days of the first Test in Brisbane, and returned to London in time to do the auction for Make-a-Wish.

Monday's musical

Mary and I attended a preview of The Sound of Music at the London Palladium on Monday night. We would have been at the opening night next week , but I'll be on a book tour in Australia then, and as I have an investment in the show, I decided to see it early.

The show is great family fun. Lesley Garrett singing Climb Every Mountain, stole the show, and like the great opera star she is, she went on taking bows. Connie Fisher was outstanding, and the children, you will not be surprised to hear, were delightful.

I have a feeling the critics will be sniffy, but with an advance of over £13m at the box office, you won't get a ticket this Christmas. Had a word with David Ian, the producer, to try and get the inside story on why Captain von Trapp had suddenly disappeared and the understudy was on stage - "Read the press tomorrow Jeffrey," he said, and didn't seem at all worried; David assured me, after the first preview with the new Captain von Trapp, that he is thrilled.

Paperback Writer

Friday November 3rd - publication day for the paperback of False Impression.

Today I had a very happy trip to Dublin where I did three radio interviews, one with The Sunday Independent, and ended the day with an appearance on The Late Late Show with Pat Kenny. The interview went very well, partly because Pat wasn't obsessed by what life was like in prison.

On Saturday morning, I signed copies of Cat O'Nine Tales in five bookshops around Dublin, ending up in Waterstone's. The more expensive gift edition is selling almost as well as the red edition - which is a great compliment to Ronald Searle.

Sunday morning - I did the Andrew Marr show where I was meant to talk about my book, but just before the show started, the verdict in the Saddam Hussein trial was announced and everything was re-arranged. Dr Reid, David Miliband, David Ramsbotham and myself were all asked questions about the Iraq war, and the subjects we had originally been invited to talk about, were brushed aside.

It was the first time I'd met Miliband, although of course I'd heard of his formidable reputation. I can see what the fuss is about; he would be a considerable opponent for Cameron, as he counters all his strengths. Nevertheless, as it's going to be Brown, that's all academic.

Went straight to Langan's on Stratton Street to do the auction at a charity lunch for LUPUS and its chairman Professor David Hughes (what a good man). The auction raised £52,500, and the most popular item was a pole-dancing package - complete with pole, costumes and personal instruction, which went for £14,000!

After lunch, I went over to my son James's home to watch England get comprehensively beaten by New Zealand. I wonder what the odds are on England retaining the world cup?

Talking Politics

Thursday. I had lunch today at the Tate Gallery with Trevor Kavanagh, former political editor of The Sun, now considered the doyen of the profession. Trevor believes that both Labour and the Conservatives have everything to play for, and that the transition to Gordon Brown before the next Labour party conference will be fairly smooth; but like me, he isn't sure what the outcome of the next general election will be. He feels this will of course depend a great deal on the initial impact Brown has as Prime Minister - though he knows one senior political editor who has taken a bet on labour increasing its majority. I pressed him on which party The Sun would be supporting, and he told me no decision has yet been made; he'll be watching the next 12 months even more keenly than the rest of us.

Last night I did an auction at St Paul's Cathedral for The Eve Appeal (ovarian cancer). It was the first time an auction had ever been allowed to be conducted in the Cathedral, and we raised £59,000.

Off to Dublin this morning for an appearance tonight on The Late Late Show. I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

Trains, Planes and Bicycles

I apologise that ten days have gone by since my last blog, but this being publication week I've gone from one meeting straight into another.

We held the launch party for Cat O'Nine Tales at the Chris Beetles Gallery (the gallery's fantastic Searle exhibition is well worth seeing), and I signed more than 500 books.

On Wednesday I took the train to Manchester to speak at a literary lunch for the JNF charitable trust, which is raising funds for mentally and physically handicapped children in Israel. They were a nice crowd, and there was a lively Q&A session after my talk. More books to sign, then back to London.

On Friday, another speech - this time in Reading, at a fundraising dinner for The Bicycle Helmet Initiative Trust - a charity which Princess Diana felt strongly about.

On Saturday I drove to Cambridge, arriving in time to watch my rugby team beat Bradford and Bingley (not the building society, the rugby club) 41-17. That evening I did the auction for Sue Ryder Care at Thorpe Hall in Peterborough, which raised £14,500.

It's good that the event didn't go on too late, as I had an early flight on Sunday morning to Dubai. It's years since I was last there, and the city is unrecognisable. There is so much construction work going on that the skyline must change weekly, and what would strike any visitor is the number of cranes you can see. When I questioned an authority on this, they claimed that a third of the cranes in the world are being used in Dubai. I did several press interviews, a speech and a signing session, and returned on Tuesday in time to meet Mary at the National Theatre for the last night of Bertolt Brecht's The Life of Galileo, starring that classy actor, Simon Russell Beale, in the title role.